Finding romance during a terrifying time in our world seems like it should be at the bottom of the list. Looking at the combination of mystery and excitement and love that the pandemic of COVID-19 has brought out in our world, however, I can’t help but see it. For every fearful citizen, there is another offering comfort. For every uncertain child, there is a teacher worrying. For every out-of-work adult, there is a resource to help support.
COVID – 19 has worked itself around the world from Italy to Jordan to the United States. Each country is handling the pandemic differently. They are still working on a vaccine.
Even as we fear the spread of a disease we cannot understand or control yet – even as we avoid people and cross the street to distance ourselves – we come together in different and new ways. Parents begin community-wide online challenges and teambuilding activities, like scavenger hunts and Facetime dance parties. Teachers discover unique ways to continue developing the students they’ve grown to care about, like reading bedtime stories on Facebook live.
I don’t care what people say, who or where this pandemic is coming from (not just physically, but ultimately). This illness and the nearly worldwide quarantine brought on by it are someone’s way of saying slow down and bring it back to basics. You humans think you’re hot shit? Take a seat and view your mortality up close and personal. Humility brought on by something as basic and age-old as a virus.
We humans needed a kick in the pants. Ignoring even the threat of climate change for profit, the Age of Trump and me-me-me, sports and television stars being paid more than lifesaving nurses and EMTs or lifechanging educators, the almost more worrisome epidemic of technology in societies that should be better, the list goes on and on. World problems galore. And the solutions continuously lay in our hands. Yet we did next-to-nothing.
Now we’re forced to do nothing. As we are all paused, I suggest we consider what is really important in life: postive relationships, active citizenship, life accountability, upstanding ethics, pure morals, willingly giving, openly sharing, and finally finding balance.
With the situation of quarantine in some countries, mother nature is recovering. They say in Italy, the waters of Venice are already cleaner and clearer than they’ve been in decades. Makes me wonder what would this earth be like without the influence of humans?
Look to the future as a chance to begin again. Make changes now, while there’s time. Find your focus. Learn a new skill. Discover your faith. Decrease your imprint on our resources. Make a new friend. Finish that project. Give to a charity. Help a neighbor. Find the priorities that are right for you, while being helpful to your family, friends, community, and world. Change doesn’t happen overnight, but with the weeks we’ve been given are a chance to start.
I didn’t just quit teaching. I was intimidated…no…cornered, into giving up something that had been a part of me since I was a child.
Although it’s been a rough transition, it’s been a healthy one for me overall. Teaching gave me energy and hope, but it also sucked my life away. The growth mindset in education is a careful line to walk as a teacher. It means you can always do better, but sometimes striving for that best version of myself cut into other aspects of my life. There was a beautiful bitterness to it. For every gain in teaching, I felt like I lost something as a wife or mother.
My husband and kids felt like even after I was home from work, I was always working. Always thinking about life through the teacher perspective. Seeing resources and real-world learning around every corner in life. “How can I use that experience in my classroom?” “Oh that relates to what I was talking about with Joe.” Roughly eighty percent of my time and energy was spent trying to live up to an expectation that society has made increasingly difficult to meet.
Teachers always complain about expectations. How society expects them to not only teach content, but discipline, character, technology, socio-emotional health, and more. Society expects teachers to act like perfect human beings who never make mistakes, never complain, never fail, and never give up.
But the ones who put the most pressure on themselves, create the highest expectations for themselves, are often teachers. Sure there are lazy teachers who don’t care and just collect a paycheck, but they don’t make it very far in education. It’s too thankless of a job, too much stress involved. If you didn’t care, you wouldn’t stick it out.
I always thought I was stressed. In high school, I was busy with sports, music, and schoolwork, therefore stressed. In college, I had jobs, participated in clubs, and worried about my future after college, which equaled stress in my mind. After I had my own kids, I realized what real stress was. The constant worry that something could go wrong. The pressure-filled goal to make them into good people. Not sleeping until they slept. Not eating until they ate. Providing. Nurturing. Developing. Loving. Stress.
In a classroom, it’s like having 130 of my own kids. Sure I don’t get along with every single one of them, but I care about them, what they’re thinking and what happens to them. I am skilled at finding the good in a student. And I hope for their success, even the mouthy ones.
But the stress. The worry. Not only of making sure I do my job. Of keeping up with grades and teaching them English skills. Of taking attendance and supervising an extracurricular. But the worry about the ones you care about. And you care about all of them to an extent. Even the ones who don’t like me strike a chord with me, because I didn’t get along with every teacher or coach in my academic career. The worry that keeps you up at night because you know that you as a teacher could have enough impact to make this kid or that kid a success.
Life post-teaching has made me realize how stressed I was. What high expectations I put upon myself. Changing the world doesn’t have to happen 130 kids at a time. I’ve started to pay attention to how other people give part of themselves to their career and part of themselves to themselves. I’ve never been good at keeping enough of myself to myself, if that makes sense. But I want to try changing the world that’s closer to me.
So that’s where I’m at now. Teaching taught me more than I could ever write about, and is still an integral part of who I am. I’ll continue to teach, but closer to my heart. I’ll always learn and grow as a student of life. But my roots will stay closer to home. In the end, teaching comes with a beautiful bitterness that I chose not to swallow anymore.
Sometimes in life, no matter how optimistic you are, tragedy strikes. At the peak of my life, my one year old was diagnosed with cancer. The next two years are a horrible blur. I’m sure there are many details I repress, but the sterile yet dirty smell, the constant flinch of beeping monitors, my little baby’s swollen, feverish body restlessly sleeping on mine still haunt my nightmares (and bring tears to my eyes as I write about them).
Fast forward a few years and I’d finally recovered my footing in life, only to go tumbling again when I was forced to resign my beloved job as a high school English teacher for reasons beyond my control. Finding romance with my husband in these overwhelmingly negative situations has been a challenge, a struggle, and a saving grace on some days.
Tragedy Strikes
Over two years. That’s how long we spent living in hospitals and Ronald McDonald houses. Two years of one parent staying home and keeping life normal for our older daughter and one parent suffering through treatment with our younger one. When we both had to be at the hospital for the worst of treatments, our oldest stayed with a grandma and grandpa, or sometimes family friends.
Two years of hospital life. Two years of fear. Two years of trying to do he best we can and never feeling like it’s enough. Two years of just barely surviving.
After those two years of brutal, heartbreaking treatment, we were given the okay to start living normally again, whatever that meant at this point. We still had to watch certain symptoms and come back to the hospital for clinical check-ups and maintenance scans. But during the next year, life started to fall back into place.
The romance between my husband and myself did not, however. There was always too much in the way: kids sports (our oldest is a stellar athlete), medicine (we had to give outpatient chemotherapy at home), needing sleep (don’t we all?), not having a babysitter we could trust (ours wasn’t just the normal babysitting gig), wanting to be home rather than out (because we weren’t at home for nearly two years), and more. All of these things led to a lack of desire and romance.
When I gave up my teaching position, I finally had time to realize that our life was lacking romance and compassion. We were both trying at a number of things: to be effective parents, to be good kids ourselves, to keep the house clean, to make sure there’s supper on the table, to support each other. But we weren’t trying to create romance. We weren’t appreciating the little mysteries and moments of excitement anymore. Our traumatized response to tragedy was in the way.
People who experience trauma often become focused on the basics of survival. Post-traumatic stress disorder, or PTSD, is defined by Google Dictionary as “a condition of persistent mental and emotional stress occurring as a result of injury or severe psychological shock, typically involving disturbance of sleep and constant vivid recall of the experience, with dulled responses to others and to the outside world.” According to therecoveryvillage.com, 1 in 13 people will have PTSD in their lifetime. There are various ways to treat PTSD, but it is not a curable diagnosis. PTSD sufferers must learn healthy, individualized strategies and coping methods (but that’s a topic for a whole different post someday). This diagnosis often adds another challenge to rebuilding the romance.
Looking for Love Again
Through therapy and self-care, I’ve realized that romance within a relationship is not just going to be there. You must build it. You must nurture it. You must purposefully plant the idea of it within your life once again. So how can you regain that feeling of romance and love in your relationship?
Get to know yourself again.
Trauma changes the way the brain functions. You and your partner may literally be different people from when you met. Take time to do the things you enjoy. This may not come easily; you may have to make it a priority. Figure out how to care for the post-trauma you. Start with the basics: sleep enough, get some exercise, and eat healthy meals. Figuring out who you are and what you enjoy now can be a great adventure in itself.
Get to know your partner again.
Remember the feeling when you first started dating your partner? When you didn’t know their deepest desires? When you weren’t sure how they like their coffee? When you couldn’t predict their reaction to every decision you make? When you couldn’t guess what they were going to say before they said it? That romantic time of mystery and excitement can happen again! Even though everything you already know about your partner may be hard to ignore, realize that you’re getting to know a new person. Someone who has been reborn through tragedy.
Replan that life
Now that you’ve survived the storm, where are you going to set your sails? You’ve both changed as individuals, which means your vision for life has probably changed too. Having conversations about more than just how the day is going is crucial to rebuilding romance in a relationship. From the new perspective that tragedy has given you come new priorities. Figure out what those are for each of you.
Try something new together
Date nights or activities show your partner that they are one of your new priorities. Simply making time for one another might be the new thing that you try together (in me and my husband’s case). Or you may take on a specific activity or skill together. The act of trying something you’ve never done before with someone can build trust, humor, and respect between you and your partner. Find a local class. Watch some YouTube videos. Read a book together. Do something you wouldn’t normally do together.
Surprise them
To help with building mystery and excitement, try and do helpful, thoughtful things that might surprise them. You could leave thoughtful notes that they can find when you’re apart, do a chore that they normally do, or send them a message letting them know you’re thinking of them. Obviously little gifts and flowers are ideal, but you can also do uncharacteristic things, like let them win an argument or sing them a love song.
When the Romance Has Died
Regaining the romance in your relationship after a traumatic experience can sometimes take more effort than one has energy for. Or maybe you have changed and developed to the point where you can’t reconcile living styles or morals. Trauma affects everyone differently, and sometimes it is healthier to just let go. Make sure to get closure and be safe about how you do this.
Final Thoughts
Sometimes it’s best to let go.
Be open to learning new things – about yourself, your partner, and life in general.
Rebuilding the mystery and excitement takes conscious and pointed effort and energy.
Generally a romance is thought of as a relationship between two unrelated people that involves love. But there is a certain romantic air to everyday life if you go about it with a certain perspective. A mystery and excitement that have to do with any feeling of love or attraction. So what are some ways you can go about falling in love with life?
Paying attention to the details is the main way to enjoy your life. Three details of life that I focus on in order to love my life, no matter where I’m at in it, include people, childen, and nature.
People Will Surprise You
People will always add mystery and excitement to your life. Whether it’s a stranger cutting you off in traffic and you having to guess why they did, or your teenage daughter making a horrible decision that makes you ask what she was thinking, people always surprise you. Sometimes rising far beyond your greatest expectations. Sometimes falling below the lowest of the low.
Either way, focusing on people and their stories always helps me add perspective to my life. I am able to give them the benefit of the doubt if there is a little mystery to them. That person who cut me off must have somewhere really important to be. My daughter is trying to make me mad because I haven’t been spending enough time with her. Looking beyond the big picture to the small details allows me to have a romance with my life.
A Child’s Perspective
I am blessed with two amazing daughters. They run my life, but I don’t mind running after them. Paying attention to their innocent excitement for anything in life helps alleviate the cynicism that can come from the negative experiences I’ve had in my own life. This innocence reminds me to forgive. To look for the best in people and situations. To do the fun things even when they take extra work.
Even if you don’t have children of your own, just watching a child observe the world can bring on this feeling of romance for life. Look around when you go out to eat, or when you’re at the store. Try to view the world through their eyes, without the taint of adult experience. It will add mystery and excitement to your daily life; I guarantee it.
A Walk with Nature
Being outside anywhere has always been able to humble me. Whether I’m in the wilderness or a city park, the world of nature has the ability to captivate me. From the way certain trees are detailed, to how grass and weeds have the tenacity to grow through concrete. The details and minute intricacies of Mother Nature bring alive the romance of life.
If you are struggling to embrace the mystery and excitement that can be found in everyday life, try taking a short stroll. Breathe deeply and open your eyes to the small things. The details you may walk past daily without taking notice. Fall in love with and appreciate these tiny, natural features of your life.
Jodi Piccoult, another of my favorite authors, nailed it when she compared life to a story: “Life is not a plot; it’s in the details.” The details are what help us write this story called life, word by word, page by page. Giving these small characteristics of life attention ensures we create a story we love.
Sitting here, watching my ten-year-old daughter’s volleyball tournament, I wonder why the United States has such a romance with sports. There are nearly 500 young girls here, some who have travelled far, and they are all involved in a romance with volleyball. But why?
HOURS of our life spent courtside for this romance with volleyball!
The romance of sports and athletics has helped people grow and develop throughout the history of time. From before the first recorded Olympics through the current super-athletes of today, the mystery and excitement that can be felt through a sport one loves can be life-changing.
Romance is defined as the mystery and excitement often associated with love. Sporting events hold these core elements, whether you are a participant or a spectator. This excitement and mystery can be felt whether you are there live or watching through a screen.
Obviously the romance of a sport isn’t present unless one feels a love for the sport to start with. This love can be demonstrated through the time put in. Time for practices and tournaments. Time for studying film and watching others play the sport. Time for recovery and rejuvenation.
Committment and effort also reveal the love an athlete feels towards a sport. Showing up at everything is not enough. Demonstrating effort and being consistent and reliable help show how much an athlete cares for a sport.
One final element that bespeaks of love is the willingness to sacrifice and even take on pain in order to be successful. From simply having sore muscles to being immobilized by an injury, athletes who truly love their sport will work through these obstacles to come out, a better version of themselves. For I have discovered that is the point of having this romance with sports: to become better people all around.
The mystery of sports comes in many forms, from simply not knowing which team is going to win, to being baffled by how someone can make a stellar, once-in-a-lifetime play. On some teams, the mystery of who will play what position and for how long brings suspense, sadness, or delight. These mysteries and others are part of what makes sports romantic.
The excitement of an athletic event also adds to the heightened experience of romance. The love and caring an athlete feels for a sport may be seen through their exuberance, either watching or playing. Cheering and cheerleaders at certain events build excitement and energy. Fans and pre-game rituals also help keep the environment lively and invigorated.
So although when you think of sporting events the first thing that comes to mind may not be romance, remember that the mystery and excitement associated with our love of sports truly is a great American romance.
Last night I witnessed the standard definition of dating. While I was training to be a server at a local brewery, a man walks in, dressed in a very polished style. Instead of sitting down, he tells us he’s meeting someone and will wait by the door. A few minutes later, a woman parades in, dressed and done up in a sophisticated, classy way. They exchange names as if they’ve never actually met, and give each other a dramatic welcome hug. We huddle in the kitchen and decide this must be a first date, or a reunion of some sort.
We realize we’re right when they sit at a table and drink and talk for over two hours. They don’t order food. They hardly touch their drinks. They are totally engrossed in each other. Animated and engaged with one another. Blinders on to anyone else who walks in. She uses her hands to express herself, and he is subdued, but focused on her.
Their care for the impression they make on their companion, and their interaction are what impress me the most. I consider jeans dressy enough for date night, and my husband and I usually spend the majority of the time talking about the kids or on our phones. Not exactly romantic and engaging.
But was the history of dating always romantic and engaging? Nope. Before the start of the twenthieth century, dating was far more formal and considered courtship. It was more about social status and a benenficial arrangement than emotion and love. Courtship was always supervised and the goal was marriage.
Eventually restrictions loosened and, although boys still traditionally had to ask for permission from fathers, it became normal for couples to just go out and have fun together and not worry about the future. Following social trends, dating became more about love and less about the benefits. The idea of going steady with someone for a long period of time, getting engaged, then getting married was still the American Dream for most people, but it didn’t have to be for everyone anymore.
Today, the goal of dating may vary depending upon the individuals involved. Marriage can still be a goal, although the timeline may be far longer or shorter than that of the 1900s. Another goal could just be to have fun with someone. Companionship. To meet someone new. Sexual gratification. All of these could be reasons for courtship and dating in today’s society.
Dating today is what you make of it. The sky is literally the limits. I mean that you can take a girl skydiving. Or wait for her to ask you to go on a picnic. Relaxing at a movie is always a great fall-back, and if you’re financially strapped, check out Pinterest for thousands of great cheap date ideas. You have the freedom to make dating what it needs to be for you and your partner.
Another evolutionary development to courtship is online dating. According to eharmony.com, 40% of Americans have used online dating at some point. This impersonal means of communicating in order to find a personal connection doesn’t make much sense to me, but it seems to work for at least a few others. Despite the fact that 53% of people lied on some aspect of their online profile, nearly 20% still found a long-term, committed relationship. That doesn’t include the success rate for people who were just looking to hook up or meet friends. So even with the development of online dating, dating is still what you decide to make of it.
So what are some strategies for dating in today’s world? Culturalweekly.com recommends being open to new experiences. You have to meet somebody new anyway, might as well do it in an uncomfortable setting that will help you grow as a person. They also urge people to not shy away from online dating, as it widens the opportunities and choices immensely. A common sense tip is boosting your own confidence before you try dating. Go hit up the gym. Get your nails and hair done and strut your stuff. And remember, the foundation of any relationship is trust so be honest right away about your intentions and goals for the relationship. If you’re looking for someone to walk you up the aisle eventually, let your date know. If you’re looking for a roll in the sheets and then the walk of shame, make sure he’s or she is up for that.
And remember, those of you who are married: you can always date your spouse to help keep the love alive. For that is what this life is about. Spreading love and giving kindness. Having hope and making connections. As philosopher Matashona Dhliwayo advises, “If your heart has been broken nine times, muster the courage to love again for the tenth.” For love is what makes the world go around, and how do we find love? By successfuly dating and courting one another. Good luck on your adventures in love!
