Romance Killers

I’m not a relationship expert by any means, so none of this should be considered the end-all, be-all of advice. These are merely observations that I’ve made during my own relationships, coupled with a variety of information I’ve read about over the years. Romance is something that takes effort. But there are a variety of things that can take away from that effort. Below are some common romance killers, as well as suggestions on how to avoid or cope with them.

Stress

In my thirteen year marriage, and fifteen year relationship, I’ve discovered that stress is a killer. Of enjoyment. Of fun. Of romance. Learning how to deal with stress as an individual is one of the most helpful things you can do in life. Different people can handle varying levels of stress in a healthy manner.

Healthy ways to cope with stress

• Physical activity
• Correct amount of sleep
• Relaxation techniques, such as meditation, self-hynosis, deep breathing, etc.
• Talk to someone or just out loud
• Posititve self-talk
• Count to ten
• Keep a journal
• Manage your time
• Go for a walk
• Listen to music
• Read a book
• Find and solve your problems
• Learn to say no
• Eat healthy
• Rest when you need to
• Do something you love

Obviously each of the above suggestions should be done in moderation. There must be balance. If you become too dependent on any one of these healthy coping strategies, it could be unhealthy. For example, I am known to get lost in romance novels when I am stressed about something. Going away to someone else’s world, where their problems are easy to solve, and they always end up happy, helped me stay positive enough to get through the days. Also made it so I got nothing done in real life – not healthy.

Unhealthy ways people cope with stress

• Addictions
• Drinking
• Smoking
• Abusive behavior
• Compulsive shopping
• Over or under eating
• Not sleeping
• Sleeping too much
• Working too much
• Too much caffeine
• Social withdrawal
• Too much TV, internet, video game, etc.
• Self-harm

Any of these coping strategies will end up harming you more than helping you in the long run. I understand that some days the goal is simply survival. Resorting to the above strategies, even on those days, is not good enough though.

There are healthy ways to deal with stress, but first you must identify what stresses you out. Then you must decide what you’re going to do about it. Involving your partner in these thoughts and feelings will (hopefully) help alleviate stress. Solving these problems can be a life-changing relationship builder.

Resentment and Jealousy

No relationship is perfectly balanced. Also realize life is not fair. You make choices based on the hand you’re dealt in life. There will be times where you have to support your significant other more, and times where you will need their support more.

After losing my job, I struggled with depression and my husband had to take on several housechores he wasn’t used to. He didn’t complain until it became a habit, which had become taxing on our relationship. Resenting your significant other can creep up on you if you don’t focus on the positives they bring to your relationship.

Be careful to express anger or jealousy in a way that isn’t going to turn your SO off from listening to you. If you don’t know how to start, try the following:

“I feel ________ when you___________ and I want __________.”

Although the discussion about the issue of housework wasn’t an easy one, having it helped resolve the resentment and anger simmering beneath the surface. Splitting the chores more evenly helped him and made me feel useful once again.

Children (and pets)

The responsibility of raising children in today’s society is not only stressful. It’s time-consuming, energy-eating, and nearly overwhelming if you think about it. You are shaping the future protectors of the world. Every word you say, each action you make, all the choices you decide, everything you choose not to do – they are watching and learning something. This can be a huge buzzkill in the romance of a relationship.

Taking time away from your children (or pets) is essential to having a romantic relationship. Being able to focus on your partner helps you regain curiosity about them and helps them feel important and loved. Date nights don’t have to be dressed up, expensive occasions. They could involve a picnic basket and a blanket in the backyard while the kids watch a movie, or a puzzle while the kids head to bed. Just making time for each other is a key priority in a healthy romantic relationship.

Date ideas when you have kids you can’t get rid of

• Doing a puzzle
• Playing a card or board game
• Picnic close to home
• Watch the sunset
• Watch the sunrise
• Netflix and chill
• Play a sport
• Wii games
• Karoake
• Nerf gun war
• Massages
• Would you rather game
• Home spa night
• Dance party at home
• Take personality tests
• Do a crossword or Sudoku
• Have a wine or beer tasting
• Write love letters or poems to one another
• Write a bucket list

Again, all of these ideas just require a little time, effort, and communication. So put your kids to bed, out to play, or in front of the television for an hour or so and rediscover your romance.

Jobs and careers

You career oftentimes defines a large part of who you are. Job stress can bleed into a relationship and cause the romance to die. When the job starts to become higher priority than your romance, you need to take a look at your life. Are there instances in life where you should prioritize your job and career? Of course. But when those instances turn into daily or even weekly occurances, it’s time to re-evaluate what you value.

Rudeness

It’s amazing how the tone of your voice influences the meaning of what you say. It’s also amazing how often that tone can be misconstrued. Especially when you’re tired, hungry, overworked, annoyed, or maybe texting or messaging, rather than talking face-to-face.

Sometimes people are rude to the people they love most because they are comfortable with them. We go all day long trying to get along with people; it feels good to tell someone how we really feel about something, even if they don’t deserve it. Making sure to be gracious and thankful for your partner will go a long way in keeping the romance alive.

Figuring out how to communicate with your partner will help solve this problem. Being sure to respond to verbal, electronic, or any other forms of communication will prevent miscommunication that can lead to resentment or fights.

Loneliness or Isolation

Humans crave relationships because we are social creatures. If we are in a romantic relationship that makes us feel alone or isolated, it’s generally not what we’re looking for. Sometimes your partner may make you feel this way unintentionally. Clearly communicating how you feel and what made you feel that way will go a long way in reigniting romance.

Also make sure you have healthy relationships outside of your significant other. Everyone needs a support system beyond just their romantic relationship. Because let’s be honest: romantic relationships are risky and resemble roller-coasters. (I got on a roll with the alliteration there). Having friends beyond your relationship gives you people with a different persepctive to bounce ideas off of.

Distrust

Trust is the foundation of any healthy romantic relationship. If your partner or you has done something to break this trust, it will take time and pointed effort to rebuild it. And this is if you are both willing to try.

You must continually look for the positive within your partner on this one. If you continually nag them about the lack of trust, instead of taking action to change it, there’s very little hope your romance will return. Be open and honest with your partner about why you’re distrusting them or why their distrust hurts you, but try not to offend them or hurt them just because they’ve hurt you.

If this is the issue killing your relationship, I’d recommend counseling or a mediator of some sort. A counselor can give you strategies as a couple or individual to help deal with the issues. They may be able to find and revive the dying romance in your relationship.

Romance reignited

If any of these romance killers is threatening your relationship, don’t give up! The solutions will no doubt require hard work and commitment. However with a revamped perspective, you can reignite your romance!