Regaining Romance after Trauma

Sometimes in life, no matter how optimistic you are, tragedy strikes. At the peak of my life, my one year old was diagnosed with cancer. The next two years are a horrible blur. I’m sure there are many details I repress, but the sterile yet dirty smell, the constant flinch of beeping monitors, my little baby’s swollen, feverish body restlessly sleeping on mine still haunt my nightmares (and bring tears to my eyes as I write about them).

Fast forward a few years and I’d finally recovered my footing in life, only to go tumbling again when I was forced to resign my beloved job as a high school English teacher for reasons beyond my control. Finding romance with my husband in these overwhelmingly negative situations has been a challenge, a struggle, and a saving grace on some days.

Tragedy Strikes

Over two years. That’s how long we spent living in hospitals and Ronald McDonald houses. Two years of one parent staying home and keeping life normal for our older daughter and one parent suffering through treatment with our younger one. When we both had to be at the hospital for the worst of treatments, our oldest stayed with a grandma and grandpa, or sometimes family friends.

Two years of hospital life. Two years of fear. Two years of trying to do he best we can and never feeling like it’s enough. Two years of just barely surviving.

After those two years of brutal, heartbreaking treatment, we were given the okay to start living normally again, whatever that meant at this point. We still had to watch certain symptoms and come back to the hospital for clinical check-ups and maintenance scans. But during the next year, life started to fall back into place.

The romance between my husband and myself did not, however. There was always too much in the way: kids sports (our oldest is a stellar athlete), medicine (we had to give outpatient chemotherapy at home), needing sleep (don’t we all?), not having a babysitter we could trust (ours wasn’t just the normal babysitting gig), wanting to be home rather than out (because we weren’t at home for nearly two years), and more. All of these things led to a lack of desire and romance.

When I gave up my teaching position, I finally had time to realize that our life was lacking romance and compassion. We were both trying at a number of things: to be effective parents, to be good kids ourselves, to keep the house clean, to make sure there’s supper on the table, to support each other. But we weren’t trying to create romance. We weren’t appreciating the little mysteries and moments of excitement anymore. Our traumatized response to tragedy was in the way.

People who experience trauma often become focused on the basics of survival. Post-traumatic stress disorder, or PTSD, is defined by Google Dictionary as “a condition of persistent mental and emotional stress occurring as a result of injury or severe psychological shock, typically involving disturbance of sleep and constant vivid recall of the experience, with dulled responses to others and to the outside world.” According to therecoveryvillage.com, 1 in 13 people will have PTSD in their lifetime. There are various ways to treat PTSD, but it is not a curable diagnosis. PTSD sufferers must learn healthy, individualized strategies and coping methods (but that’s a topic for a whole different post someday). This diagnosis often adds another challenge to rebuilding the romance.

Looking for Love Again

Through therapy and self-care, I’ve realized that romance within a relationship is not just going to be there. You must build it. You must nurture it. You must purposefully plant the idea of it within your life once again. So how can you regain that feeling of romance and love in your relationship?

Get to know yourself again.

Trauma changes the way the brain functions. You and your partner may literally be different people from when you met. Take time to do the things you enjoy. This may not come easily; you may have to make it a priority. Figure out how to care for the post-trauma you. Start with the basics: sleep enough, get some exercise, and eat healthy meals. Figuring out who you are and what you enjoy now can be a great adventure in itself.

Get to know your partner again.

Remember the feeling when you first started dating your partner? When you didn’t know their deepest desires? When you weren’t sure how they like their coffee? When you couldn’t predict their reaction to every decision you make? When you couldn’t guess what they were going to say before they said it? That romantic time of mystery and excitement can happen again! Even though everything you already know about your partner may be hard to ignore, realize that you’re getting to know a new person. Someone who has been reborn through tragedy.

Replan that life

Now that you’ve survived the storm, where are you going to set your sails? You’ve both changed as individuals, which means your vision for life has probably changed too. Having conversations about more than just how the day is going is crucial to rebuilding romance in a relationship. From the new perspective that tragedy has given you come new priorities. Figure out what those are for each of you.

Try something new together

Date nights or activities show your partner that they are one of your new priorities. Simply making time for one another might be the new thing that you try together (in me and my husband’s case). Or you may take on a specific activity or skill together. The act of trying something you’ve never done before with someone can build trust, humor, and respect between you and your partner. Find a local class. Watch some YouTube videos. Read a book together. Do something you wouldn’t normally do together.

Surprise them

To help with building mystery and excitement, try and do helpful, thoughtful things that might surprise them. You could leave thoughtful notes that they can find when you’re apart, do a chore that they normally do, or send them a message letting them know you’re thinking of them. Obviously little gifts and flowers are ideal, but you can also do uncharacteristic things, like let them win an argument or sing them a love song.

When the Romance Has Died

Regaining the romance in your relationship after a traumatic experience can sometimes take more effort than one has energy for. Or maybe you have changed and developed to the point where you can’t reconcile living styles or morals. Trauma affects everyone differently, and sometimes it is healthier to just let go. Make sure to get closure and be safe about how you do this.

Final Thoughts

Sometimes it’s best to let go.

Be open to learning new things – about yourself, your partner, and life in general.

Rebuilding the mystery and excitement takes conscious and pointed effort and energy.