The Only One

I know I'm not the sole reason
The sun rises and there are seasons.
I hear that there are more than a few
Who know a lot more than I do.
I haven't read all the books
Or viewed everything worth a second look.
There are facts and equations that blow my mind
And concepts which I am decades behind.
My synthesis of various information
Comes from experience and paying attention. 

But how do I find that balance of myself?
Not buried below but not too high on a shelf?
With confidence instead of arrogance.
Weilding bravery instead of building fences. 
Speaking up when I should
But only to do good.
Holding my tongue when it harms
But using it to compliment and warm.
Knowing I am an important piece
But not the only one at least. 

The pressure that I fear and feel
Crushes me until I can't tell what's real.
Who expects what? And how? And when?
Will my head ever stop spinning again?
The grief that weighs on me like heavy water
For both my darling, strong, amazing daughters
Forces out tears and angry words.
All I really want to do is stare at the birds.
I'm envious that they fly free
Away from the heaviness my life's turning out to be.