Benefiting Who?

How can I benefit the world
When I can't even save myself? 
As I watch my life unfurl
I wonder if I'll end up in hell.
Where there used to be laughter and smiles
I can't quit crying and yelling. 
I haven't been myself in a while,
And my behavior is truly telling.

I keep trying to go on and pretend
That it will all be just dandy and fine.
Trying not to think it's the end;
mentally walking a fine line.
Where's the balance I used to have?
The strength to be calm and cool?
Now I'm always too angry to laugh
And I worry constantly like a fool.

The love of life is hard to find.
I try to look forward to things.
I try to be generous, loving, and kind
But my selfishness sometimes stings. 
There's joy and blessings for sure in life
That I recognize every day
But I have to live through my strife
in order to find my way.